12, not 13. Part 3
Fortune teller (FT): and u'll die peacefully at the age of 80.
Me: damn it. can i die at 50 years old? i dun want to be a nuisance of the society.
FT: the only reason why old ppl still exist in the society is becoz the youngsters need to have a source of CIP hours. so u're not a nuisance by being old.
Me: oh ya. you've got a point here.
It's the year 2020. The fortune teller whom I was talking to is by far the most famous one around. He gives very accurate predictions of one's future.
FT: okay, u've used up all ur 3 questions. i'm afraid this session is over.
Me: thx a lot.
I stood up and was ready to go. Turning back, I had a shock of my life. I saw an old friend, Brandon.
Me: omg BRANDON, long long long time no see.
Brandon: how're u, fren?
Me: i'm fine.
Brandon: Brenton, Brennon, Brennan, Brendon, Braiden, Branden, Braeden, Brayden, Breydon, Braden, Branson, Braedon. Say hello to uncle.
Looking down, I saw this massive number of kids behind Brandon.
Brandon: i'm so sry but Braden, Branson and Braedon are too young to say hello to u.
Me: it's okay. errrrrrrrr, are these ur kids?
Brandon: ya.
Me: omg, what a nice dozen of kids.
Brandon: thx.
Me: i think u're damn pro in reproducing litters of viable offspring. where's ur wife, may I know?
Brandon: she's giving birth in the hospital now.
I was like -.-
Me: so u're coming for the fortune teller?
Brandon: ya.
Me: he's really imba. why not i wait for u and we go and have a drink after u're done?
Brandon: okay sure.
FT: i can see that u're coming to look for me.
Brandon: omg how did u know?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't hear what u two are talking just now.
Brandon: wow, u're really pro.
FT: i can tell u 3 things each about ur past, present and future.
Brandon: okay, that's cool.
FT: let's start with the present. firstly, u're married and have 12 kids.
Brandon: omg how do u know that?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't see the kids behind u.
Brandon: wow, u didn't see my kids and u know that? u're awesome.
FT: Secondly, u have just met a long time fren.
Brandon: omg how do u know that?
FT: becoz i'm totally imba and i didn't see ur fren just now.
Brandon: wow, no wonder my fren say that u're really imba.
FT: lastly, ur name is brandon.
Brandon: omg how do know that?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't hear ur fren saying ur name just now.
Brandon: i knew u didn't hear him saying my name. u're really damn pro.
FT: okay, let's continue with the past. please give me ur palm, i'm going to do some palm reading.
Brandon: Okay.
Brandon obediently stretched out his palm to the fortune teller.
FT: mmmmmmmm, let's see here. this line on palm which corresponds to ur school life is pretty long. long, long, long, it rhymes pon. U must have pon school a lot in the past.
Brandon: omg, u're absolutely right. i always pon school last time bcoz i'm sick of sch and i like to hibernate at home to mug. somehow i still get excellent for conduct bcoz i suck up to the CT. hehe.
FT: mmmmmmmmm, here. this line which corresponds to ur bgr is pretty short. u must very little girlfriends in the past. wait a minute! this bbr line here is very rough and messy. u, u have a lot of......?
Brandon: shhhhhhh, i've kids here. i dun want them to know my dirty little secrets.
FT: okay, this last line here, i need to take a ruler to measure its length.
The fortune teller took out his ruler and started measuring the crooked line.
FT: it's 1.7 inch long. mmmmmm how old are u?
Brandon: i'm 30 this year. i tot u're supposed to know this.
FT: 30, mmmmmm, 30 minus 17 equals 13. omggggggg, u're not a virgin since 13?
Brandon: no, u're wrong, haha, u're wrong for the first time. i was just..........
FT: oh i'm so sry, parallax error here. 1.8 inch. so u're not a virgin since 12.
Brenton: daddy, what's a virgin? why are u not a virgin since 13? i mean 12.
Brandon: nothing, virigin, errrrrrrrrr, virgin, errrrrrrrr, virgin is a noob, okay?
Brenton: okay, daddy. i dun want to be a virgin too.
Brandon: that's my gd boy.
FT: now, u can ask me the final 3 questions about ur future.
Brandon: when can i break Moulay Ismail's world record of fathering 867 kids?
FT: i'm afraid u won't. according to the constellations in the sky, u will only father 866 children.
Brandon: omggggggggggggggggg. it's unfair. life is unfair.
FT: it's ur destiny, let it be.
Brandon: i dun care. i must invent something to shoot down all the stars in the sky so i can have as many children as i want.
FT: okay, whatever.
FT: second question?
Brandon: will i rule the world?
FT: yes of course u will. u're only left with 3 pokemons to catch to complete ur pokedex. let me tell u secret to do so, in order to rule the world, u've gotta catch 'em all.
Brandon: i knew it, i knew it. i knew one day i can become the rule the world. this is my one and only ambition in my life. some have told me that it's another mission impossible. but i just knew that i can do it. hahahaha, i'm the greatest master ever, i'll rule the world. Brenton, pass me my gameboy.
Brenton: okay daddy. u can do it. dun be a virgin okay?
FT: i wasn't a virgin since 13, i mean 12, haven't u heard. and u can't virginise urself once u're not a virgin.
FT: okay can u ask me the third question before u catch ur pokemons?
Brandon: okay, will i go to heaven or hell after i die?
FT: gd question. u won't go to either. coz u're so screwed up that both god and satan don't want u to corrupt their world.
Brandon: oh no, then where can i go?
FT: nowhere.
Brandon: i think i'll open up a new realm myself called the Helven, where rejects like me can reside and have a happy life there reproducing offsprings.
FT: errrrrrrr, if u really do so, then there'll be only one person in Helven. coz u're the alpha and omega of heaven and hell reject.
Brandon: i hate the world so much. damn it!
Brandon stood up angrily and left the fortune teller.
Me: why not we go have a drink and chill down.
Brandon: okay then............... wait i have a call.
Brandon picked up the phone.
Brandon: what the! my wife had a 854-tuplet and died? OOOOMMMMGGGG! okay i'll rush to the hospital now.
Brandon ran to his car across the road like a headless fly.
A bicycle came riding slowly towards him.
In an attempt to dodge the bicycle, he jumped to the next lane where he was hit by a fast-driving car.
Brandon died terribly with his body pulverized and his skull smashed.
The fortune teller shrugged his shoulders and said to the kids......
FT: boys, i can teach u a song that is the most appropriate for this occasion.
The fortune teller started singing the Happy Tree Friend theme and the kids followed suit. Amazingly the young Braden, Branson and Braedon were also able to sing it. Reluctantly, I joined in too.
Me: i think we better stop. should we call 995?
FT: ya, i think we should, we might save him.
Me: ya, and prevent his creation of Helvan.
FT: ya, and complete his pokedex.
Me: damn it. can i die at 50 years old? i dun want to be a nuisance of the society.
FT: the only reason why old ppl still exist in the society is becoz the youngsters need to have a source of CIP hours. so u're not a nuisance by being old.
Me: oh ya. you've got a point here.
It's the year 2020. The fortune teller whom I was talking to is by far the most famous one around. He gives very accurate predictions of one's future.
FT: okay, u've used up all ur 3 questions. i'm afraid this session is over.
Me: thx a lot.
I stood up and was ready to go. Turning back, I had a shock of my life. I saw an old friend, Brandon.
Me: omg BRANDON, long long long time no see.
Brandon: how're u, fren?
Me: i'm fine.
Brandon: Brenton, Brennon, Brennan, Brendon, Braiden, Branden, Braeden, Brayden, Breydon, Braden, Branson, Braedon. Say hello to uncle.
Looking down, I saw this massive number of kids behind Brandon.
Brandon: i'm so sry but Braden, Branson and Braedon are too young to say hello to u.
Me: it's okay. errrrrrrrr, are these ur kids?
Brandon: ya.
Me: omg, what a nice dozen of kids.
Brandon: thx.
Me: i think u're damn pro in reproducing litters of viable offspring. where's ur wife, may I know?
Brandon: she's giving birth in the hospital now.
I was like -.-
Me: so u're coming for the fortune teller?
Brandon: ya.
Me: he's really imba. why not i wait for u and we go and have a drink after u're done?
Brandon: okay sure.
FT: i can see that u're coming to look for me.
Brandon: omg how did u know?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't hear what u two are talking just now.
Brandon: wow, u're really pro.
FT: i can tell u 3 things each about ur past, present and future.
Brandon: okay, that's cool.
FT: let's start with the present. firstly, u're married and have 12 kids.
Brandon: omg how do u know that?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't see the kids behind u.
Brandon: wow, u didn't see my kids and u know that? u're awesome.
FT: Secondly, u have just met a long time fren.
Brandon: omg how do u know that?
FT: becoz i'm totally imba and i didn't see ur fren just now.
Brandon: wow, no wonder my fren say that u're really imba.
FT: lastly, ur name is brandon.
Brandon: omg how do know that?
FT: bcoz i'm totally imba and i didn't hear ur fren saying ur name just now.
Brandon: i knew u didn't hear him saying my name. u're really damn pro.
FT: okay, let's continue with the past. please give me ur palm, i'm going to do some palm reading.
Brandon: Okay.
Brandon obediently stretched out his palm to the fortune teller.
FT: mmmmmmmm, let's see here. this line on palm which corresponds to ur school life is pretty long. long, long, long, it rhymes pon. U must have pon school a lot in the past.
Brandon: omg, u're absolutely right. i always pon school last time bcoz i'm sick of sch and i like to hibernate at home to mug. somehow i still get excellent for conduct bcoz i suck up to the CT. hehe.
FT: mmmmmmmmm, here. this line which corresponds to ur bgr is pretty short. u must very little girlfriends in the past. wait a minute! this bbr line here is very rough and messy. u, u have a lot of......?
Brandon: shhhhhhh, i've kids here. i dun want them to know my dirty little secrets.
FT: okay, this last line here, i need to take a ruler to measure its length.
The fortune teller took out his ruler and started measuring the crooked line.
FT: it's 1.7 inch long. mmmmmm how old are u?
Brandon: i'm 30 this year. i tot u're supposed to know this.
FT: 30, mmmmmm, 30 minus 17 equals 13. omggggggg, u're not a virgin since 13?
Brandon: no, u're wrong, haha, u're wrong for the first time. i was just..........
FT: oh i'm so sry, parallax error here. 1.8 inch. so u're not a virgin since 12.
Brenton: daddy, what's a virgin? why are u not a virgin since 13? i mean 12.
Brandon: nothing, virigin, errrrrrrrrr, virgin, errrrrrrrr, virgin is a noob, okay?
Brenton: okay, daddy. i dun want to be a virgin too.
Brandon: that's my gd boy.
FT: now, u can ask me the final 3 questions about ur future.
Brandon: when can i break Moulay Ismail's world record of fathering 867 kids?
FT: i'm afraid u won't. according to the constellations in the sky, u will only father 866 children.
Brandon: omggggggggggggggggg. it's unfair. life is unfair.
FT: it's ur destiny, let it be.
Brandon: i dun care. i must invent something to shoot down all the stars in the sky so i can have as many children as i want.
FT: okay, whatever.
FT: second question?
Brandon: will i rule the world?
FT: yes of course u will. u're only left with 3 pokemons to catch to complete ur pokedex. let me tell u secret to do so, in order to rule the world, u've gotta catch 'em all.
Brandon: i knew it, i knew it. i knew one day i can become the rule the world. this is my one and only ambition in my life. some have told me that it's another mission impossible. but i just knew that i can do it. hahahaha, i'm the greatest master ever, i'll rule the world. Brenton, pass me my gameboy.
Brenton: okay daddy. u can do it. dun be a virgin okay?
FT: i wasn't a virgin since 13, i mean 12, haven't u heard. and u can't virginise urself once u're not a virgin.
FT: okay can u ask me the third question before u catch ur pokemons?
Brandon: okay, will i go to heaven or hell after i die?
FT: gd question. u won't go to either. coz u're so screwed up that both god and satan don't want u to corrupt their world.
Brandon: oh no, then where can i go?
FT: nowhere.
Brandon: i think i'll open up a new realm myself called the Helven, where rejects like me can reside and have a happy life there reproducing offsprings.
FT: errrrrrrr, if u really do so, then there'll be only one person in Helven. coz u're the alpha and omega of heaven and hell reject.
Brandon: i hate the world so much. damn it!
Brandon stood up angrily and left the fortune teller.
Me: why not we go have a drink and chill down.
Brandon: okay then............... wait i have a call.
Brandon picked up the phone.
Brandon: what the! my wife had a 854-tuplet and died? OOOOMMMMGGGG! okay i'll rush to the hospital now.
Brandon ran to his car across the road like a headless fly.
A bicycle came riding slowly towards him.
In an attempt to dodge the bicycle, he jumped to the next lane where he was hit by a fast-driving car.
Brandon died terribly with his body pulverized and his skull smashed.
The fortune teller shrugged his shoulders and said to the kids......
FT: boys, i can teach u a song that is the most appropriate for this occasion.
The fortune teller started singing the Happy Tree Friend theme and the kids followed suit. Amazingly the young Braden, Branson and Braedon were also able to sing it. Reluctantly, I joined in too.
Me: i think we better stop. should we call 995?
FT: ya, i think we should, we might save him.
Me: ya, and prevent his creation of Helvan.
FT: ya, and complete his pokedex.
Steven saw the light at 9:49 PM
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